Had a lengthy, cool discussion with a friend about a debate they were having with another person regarding gender and sexuality, and felt like sharing what I wrote about the subject. Please note:
a) I’m always learning new information about this so my stances are subject to change. I just feel informed on the matter based on research and introspection.
b) I’m not vilifying people who disagree with me. The subject is complicated and I acknowledge different experiences lead to different views on the subject.
c) I’m not looking for a fight about this, just wanna archive this for my own purposes and others’ enjoyment if they’re interested in what I have to say. I’m a random person on the internet trying to make sense of the world and hopefully I can help others makes sense of it too.
To rephrase the conversation topic in my own words, it was basically two questions: “Do societal norms dictate preference for/attraction to certain genitalia?“ and "Can someone be considered transphobic because they don’t wanna date trans people based on their genitals?”
What I wrote was: “People can’t choose the genitals they’re attracted to, though they can find other genitals aesthetically interesting and can even wanna experiment with people who have genitals they aren’t innately attracted to, but I don’t believe that would fundamentally affect someone’s innate sexuality. It’s like how gay conversion doesn’t work whatsoever. Even if someone ends up believing they like another kind of genitals, it’s not gonna alter their psychological makeup or whatever to magically make them genuinely attracted to something.”
The other person the friend was debating had written that genital preference is a product of cissexism, to which I indirectly replied:
“Nah, in my opinion they’re wrong. Taste in secondary sex characteristics and specific “types” of people (like long haired guys or beards or boobs) can be influenced by social norms (though it’s also probably a little innate, I honestly don’t know where to draw the line), but based on what I’ve read and how I’ve seen my own and others’ sexualities, genital preference isn’t influenced by society, it’s predetermined through the genetic makeup of the sperm and egg you were made from, and the hormonal/chemical/whatever processes that happen inside the womb. Admittedly scientists still don’t know a lot about the specific processes behind development of sexuality, but to claim cissexism is responsible for genital preference seems misguided. Again, it’s like part of the reason why gay conversion doesn’t work.”
“The topic really is confusing and it doesn’t help that people get super aggressive about their (possibly uninformed) opinions. We really need more scientific data tbh.”
“As an added note, choosing not to date a trans person isn’t transphobic or wrong or whatever. Oppression/prejudice and stuff is wrong. Not wanting to date/associate with certain people while respecting them as valid human beings isn’t wrong.”
We talked about that last point more, how there are cis people who wouldn’t date trans people specifically ‘cause of their transness: “[Cis people not dating trans people 'cause of actual transphobia] has more to do with [those people] being uncomfortable with their own sexualities / just being assholes. and less to do with cis people as a whole being somehow unwilling to magically change their genital preferences when that’s virtually impossible.”
We talked about how the two of us personally wouldn’t date trans people because of the genital thing. I wrote: “I wouldn’t date non-cis boys 'cause not only would it not be a fulfilling relationship for me physically (and at that point I’d just be friends with them instead), but it would be a disservice to the other person who deserves someone who’s willing to be with them in a sexual context and would genuinely enjoy it.”