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Flight Rising dragon goalsSpecies: MirrorSex: FemalePrimary gene: IridescentPrimary colour:...

Wed, 27 Jun 2018 10:46:48 -0400

Flight Rising dragon goals

Species: Mirror
Sex: Female
Primary gene: Iridescent
Primary colour: Shadow
Secondary gene: Eye spots
Secondary colour: Cyan
Tertiary gene: Runes
Tertiary colour: Mulberry
Eye type: Multi-gaze

Taken earlier today. Me climbing to the top of a clock tower is...

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 22:12:36 -0400

Taken earlier today. Me climbing to the top of a clock tower is probably the most stupidly symbolic thing I’ve ever done. My life revolves around trying and failing to conquer time. If my life were a story, that would be the main conflict. Which is hilarious ‘cause time technically doesn’t exist, it’s just a concept used to measure change. I’m literally fighting nothing but the idea of change and this is probably the most pretentiously poetic sentence in existence lol.

Had a lengthy, cool discussion with a friend about a debate they were having with another person...

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 19:25:20 -0400

Had a lengthy, cool discussion with a friend about a debate they were having with another person regarding gender and sexuality, and felt like sharing what I wrote about the subject. Please note:

a) I’m always learning new information about this so my stances are subject to change. I just feel informed on the matter based on research and introspection.

b) I’m not vilifying people who disagree with me. The subject is complicated and I acknowledge different experiences lead to different views on the subject.

c) I’m not looking for a fight about this, just wanna archive this for my own purposes and others’ enjoyment if they’re interested in what I have to say. I’m a random person on the internet trying to make sense of the world and hopefully I can help others makes sense of it too.

To rephrase the conversation topic in my own words, it was basically two questions: “Do societal norms dictate preference for/attraction to certain genitalia?“ and "Can someone be considered transphobic because they don’t wanna date trans people based on their genitals?”

What I wrote was: “People can’t choose the genitals they’re attracted to, though they can find other genitals aesthetically interesting and can even wanna experiment with people who have genitals they aren’t innately attracted to, but I don’t believe that would fundamentally affect someone’s innate sexuality. It’s like how gay conversion doesn’t work whatsoever. Even if someone ends up believing they like another kind of genitals, it’s not gonna alter their psychological makeup or whatever to magically make them genuinely attracted to something.”

The other person the friend was debating had written that genital preference is a product of cissexism, to which I indirectly replied:

“Nah, in my opinion they’re wrong. Taste in secondary sex characteristics and specific “types” of people (like long haired guys or beards or boobs) can be influenced by social norms (though it’s also probably a little innate, I honestly don’t know where to draw the line), but based on what I’ve read and how I’ve seen my own and others’ sexualities, genital preference isn’t influenced by society, it’s predetermined through the genetic makeup of the sperm and egg you were made from, and the hormonal/chemical/whatever processes that happen inside the womb. Admittedly scientists still don’t know a lot about the specific processes behind development of sexuality, but to claim cissexism is responsible for genital preference seems misguided. Again, it’s like part of the reason why gay conversion doesn’t work.”

“The topic really is confusing and it doesn’t help that people get super aggressive about their (possibly uninformed) opinions. We really need more scientific data tbh.”

“As an added note, choosing not to date a trans person isn’t transphobic or wrong or whatever. Oppression/prejudice and stuff is wrong. Not wanting to date/associate with certain people while respecting them as valid human beings isn’t wrong.”

We talked about that last point more, how there are cis people who wouldn’t date trans people specifically ‘cause of their transness: “[Cis people not dating trans people 'cause of actual transphobia] has more to do with [those people] being uncomfortable with their own sexualities / just being assholes. and less to do with cis people as a whole being somehow unwilling to magically change their genital preferences when that’s virtually impossible.”

We talked about how the two of us personally wouldn’t date trans people because of the genital thing. I wrote: “I wouldn’t date non-cis boys 'cause not only would it not be a fulfilling relationship for me physically (and at that point I’d just be friends with them instead), but it would be a disservice to the other person who deserves someone who’s willing to be with them in a sexual context and would genuinely enjoy it.”

friend: I guess I have a love hate relationship with [this game].

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 18:19:29 -0400

friend: I guess I have a love hate relationship with [this game].
friend: I start a new file and I'm like "Oh man, I really like you. I wanna keep this up as long as possible."
friend: But then I get to [hard challenge mode] and the later secret rooms and it feels like the game will never leave me alone, like it's smothering me, and I'm just like "I think we should see other people"
friend: Then I take a break for a few weeks and I'm just sitting there daydreaming about Jessica- I mean...
me: XD I too confuse interactive media with real human connections.

I went to the OId Port with my group thing today. The highlight of the day was climbing the clock...

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 16:55:26 -0400

I went to the OId Port with my group thing today. The highlight of the day was climbing the clock tower and taking pictures of the city at the top. Also my social skills were on-point for most of the trip.

I feel like after I’ve been dead for a few centuries some random person’s gonna stumble onto my...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 21:59:40 -0400

I feel like after I’ve been dead for a few centuries some random person’s gonna stumble onto my creations and be like “Wow, this person had a lot of super interesting thoughts about life and death and shit. He was fucking crazy, but also weirdly cool.” And then maybe I’ll be acknowledged in the capacity I want to be acknowledged in.

Idk if this makes sense at all tbh. Like I’m not suicidal or anything, but I kinda believe death will bring more attention to my existence and work than my life ever will. Though I also doubt I’m special enough to be rediscovered and hailed as some unique thinker. Maybe if I lived a century or two ago it’d be different, but in an age where more and more regular people are able to share themselves with the world and archive themselves online, the idea of being pointed to as a hidden gem among the people from your era feels more and more impossible.

I feel like I lost some of my identity/direction in life when I turned 20 and I think I know...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 21:35:24 -0400

I feel like I lost some of my identity/direction in life when I turned 20 and I think I know why:

-I’ve had quite a few anxiety attacks about questioning my worldviews as a result of being gaslit my whole life by family and strangers.

-winter-induced depression

-My habit of leaving my room to write in the kitchen broke when my family moved.

-I finished writing my book and got stuck in the editing phase.

-whatever psychological stuff was happening during my teenage years ‘cause of puberty + societal expectations + personal expectations has calmed down. My burning need to assert my individuality and discover who I am has decreased.

-I’ve been recovering from my anxiety and that’s involved lifting all my high expectations for accomplishing my life goals/being perfect off my shoulders. I’m more understanding of my mental and environmental limitations, and I’m trying to focus more on maintaining my sanity.

Reasons I admire Danny from Game Grumps.-he seems like a genuinely nice person-he’s hilarious...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 19:09:34 -0400

Reasons I admire Danny from Game Grumps.

-he seems like a genuinely nice person

-he’s hilarious as fuck

-he’s from a jewish background like me

-he rocks eye makeup like a bamf in some videos, also like me

-he’s a musician and let’s player, which are occupations I wanna pursue

-he’s doing cool things as a guy in his late thirties which inspires me to follow my dreams and reassures me that I don’t have to figure my life out right away.

I just had a 4 hour voice chat with NDiGG friend. We mostly talked about sex ‘cause...

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 18:32:16 -0400

I just had a 4 hour voice chat with NDiGG friend. We mostly talked about sex ‘cause we’re immature, and then it spiralled into conversations about sex ed, romance, artificial intelligence, religious tolerance, video games, introversion, anime, our stories, and Bakugan porn. I saw Drago with a dick. :D My childhood was ruined! Had fun tho. Pretty sure the anti-anxiety meds are partially responsible for the length and consistent enjoyment of the conversation.

me: Giving birth is just the hard mode version of queefing.friend: What’s the [overpower...

Sun, 24 Jun 2018 22:49:14 -0400

me: Giving birth is just the hard mode version of queefing.

friend: What’s the [overpower level] version?

me: Chestburster parasitism.

I BOUGHT SONIC GENERATIONS ‘CAUSE IT WAS ON SALE AND ALSO 'CAUSE I’M STILL SONIC TRASH...

Sun, 24 Jun 2018 18:23:41 -0400

I BOUGHT SONIC GENERATIONS ‘CAUSE IT WAS ON SALE AND ALSO 'CAUSE I’M STILL SONIC TRASH AFTER ALL THESE YEARS IN CASE IT WASN’T OBVIOUS.

This song made me cry a little. I relate to the whole “I have a...

Sun, 24 Jun 2018 16:23:49 -0400

This song made me cry a little. I relate to the whole “I have a love-hate relationship with the city I was born and raised in” thing, and the fact a Canadian band made this song about a Canadian city that’s really not that far from mine just made the lyrics even more impactful.

Aphelion

Sun, 24 Jun 2018 10:56:25 -0400

In the age of innocence
When the universe was small
I reached perihelion
And approached my parent star
To find its light was blinding
And its flares were threatening
To the life on my surface

Bound to the system
By rules others wrote
I could not escape

The body that created me
Now hungered to destroy me

My temperatures elevated
Storms raged for countless millennia
Until finally I was engulfed

In death I dreamed
My grave scattered
With every passing aeon
And my ashes could find peace
Drifting among the nebulae
Hoping they’d reach aphelion

I had a Slenderman dream (or I guess technically it was a nightmare) last night which makes me...

Sun, 24 Jun 2018 07:24:47 -0400

I had a Slenderman dream (or I guess technically it was a nightmare) last night which makes me really happy ‘cause I weirdly love feeling scared in my dreams. One scene involved me walking down a hallway resembling a hallway in my grandmother’s apartment, and looking behind me a few times, eventually spotting Slenderman standing at the end of the hall. Another scene involved me being on a crowded downtown street and seeing him standing conspicuously on the road, surrounded by people, and his arms stretched towards me. Dream me thought it was refreshing to see a depiction of Slenderman actually moving. Also I’m pretty sure the dream had a plot but I forget what it was about.

Criticism of gender roles? Pretty dudes wearing makeup?...

Sat, 23 Jun 2018 09:02:30 -0400

Criticism of gender roles? Pretty dudes wearing makeup? Addicting emo/punk rock sound? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

I woke up after getting 4 and a half hours of sleep. It’s likely a combination of my new meds...

Sat, 23 Jun 2018 05:06:31 -0400

I woke up after getting 4 and a half hours of sleep. It’s likely a combination of my new meds and the fact I sleep in ways that probably obstruct my breathing, which could be made even worse ‘cause I have mild traces of my cat allergies from when I hung out with my friend. Either way, I reaaally don’t like this.

Also the sweating side effect of the meds came back. So that sucks.

I’m proud of the songs I’ve written. They may be tiny bits of text but they take a...

Fri, 22 Jun 2018 21:43:43 -0400

I’m proud of the songs I’ve written. They may be tiny bits of text but they take a decent amount of time to write ‘cause I have to make them both well-written and nice-sounding. I’m also proud of how I’ve combined my love for making music with my love for space. I’m a sci-fi songwriter, and if that’s not the most badass label ever then idk what is.

Photo

Fri, 22 Jun 2018 19:09:32 -0400

Not having a good day. First we have no food in the house that I can stomach so I had to go out to...

Fri, 22 Jun 2018 16:18:22 -0400

Not having a good day. First we have no food in the house that I can stomach so I had to go out to get some, and just now I thought the bus was stopping in front of my house on purpose so I left and panicked as I realized I probably shouldn’t have done that, and now the driver probably knows where I live so if what I did was not ok then I might get in trouble, and I was already dealing with anxiety about my weIfare situation, and I’m just so fucking tired of life.

My mom said it should be fine cause the fact they stopped and let the doors be opened means I’m probably not at fault, but I’m still anxious as fuck.

I got 7 and a half hours of sleep and don’t know if it’s ‘cause of the new meds,...

Fri, 22 Jun 2018 07:50:10 -0400

I got 7 and a half hours of sleep and don’t know if it’s ‘cause of the new meds, if my dreams somehow woke me up (can’t remember them if I did have them), if my allergies forced my body to wake up so I can breathe better, or if my family was being loud. I’m slightly tired but it doesn’t feel like the gross, getting-6-hours-of-sleep kind of exhaustion.